Memorial Day Special Edition: A Veteran's Perspective

We hope you’re having a meaningful Memorial Day holiday with family and friends. Today, we present a special edition with a memorable one-on-one interview we conducted with a US war veteran.

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Good morning,

Memorial Day, held the last Monday of every May, is a day of remembrance for those who have died in service to the US. It was first widely observed in 1868 to commemorate the sacrifices of Civil War soldiers. It later became a day to remember fallen soldiers from all of America’s battles and wars.

Today’s special holiday newsletter features an interview with a US veteran. Decorated combat veteran Ben Sledge, who was awarded the Bronze Star and Purple Heart for his valor overseas, spoke with Mosheh about being on the frontlines, loss, and the physical and mental impacts of war years later.

We’ll be back with our regular daily newsletter 🗞️ and podcast 🎧 tomorrow.

Have a good one 🇺🇸.

Mosheh, Jill, & Lauren

📌 THE COST OF WAR — A VETERAN’S PERSPECTIVE

Former Army Staff Sgt. Benjamin Sledge first joined us for an interview during the disastrous US withdrawal from Afghanistan, and spoke with us again one year later. A number of you have written in about how his frontline, veteran perspective impacted you, and we wanted to highlight it today.

• Sledge served combat tours in Afghanistan and Iraq in the aftermath of the 9/11 terror attacks and returned home shattered. He is among the approx. 2 million Americans who served in both countries over the last two decades.

• Sledge is also the author of “Where Cowards Go to Die,” a brutally honest portrait of his experience during combat tours, and his journey through trauma, loss and faith. It has gone on to win six literary awards.

• On this Memorial Day, as we remember the heroes who gave their lives for this country, we bring you some highlights from our conversations with Sledge. We hope it provides some perspective on what a number of veterans are experiencing. We also hope it inspires you to check in on a veteran close to you.

🎧 Our full conversation is available on the ‘Mo News: The Interview’ podcast. Apple | Spotify 🎧

HIGHLIGHTS:

Mosheh Oinounou: The book has a provocative title and it's not the typical title that you see for war books: "Where Cowards Go to Die."

Ben Sledge: What inspired it was the book, "I Am Legend," by Richard Matheson. I started working through what I had been through in Iraq and Afghanistan. I came to the conclusion that there were a lot of things that I did in combat that were not heroic. And there's a lot of things that people do in combat that are not heroic. We can get painted that way, but the reality of the situation was, as I came home, I buried a lot of it. And, it began to fester from the inside.

I came to the conclusion that in life, you'll either live as a coward or die as a coward because of the fact that you refuse to address that unresolved trauma. A lot of veterans are doing that. We head to the bottle, or we head to pills, or we get put on mood altering substances for the rest of our life, as opposed to confronting what we went through and growing stronger out of that. My conclusion was you either die as a coward, or you have to kill a coward inside you.

MO: Military service is a tradition for your family. You write about your grandfather serving in WWII.

BS: We joke in the military that it runs in the blood. For my family lineage, we traced it as far back as a general under Napoleon. And, so it was just kind of something that you did in our family. I initially did it to pay for college (pre-9/11).

MO: You initially served nine months in Afghanistan, and then later chose to return and serve 15 months in Iraq. Within months of your time in Afghanistan, seven men you had fought with were dead — three of them from your unit. That included your best friend Kyle.

BS: I dedicated the book to Kyle, because he wanted to be a journalist, and started thinking about all these other guys that had died. You have to relive it and go through this. I found out that there's all the studies about the men and women who lose their friends in combat. Even some 30 years removed from the incident, their level of grief is the equivalent to somebody who has lost their spouse within six months. That camaraderie, that brotherhood, it weighs extremely heavy on your soul. I keep a picture of Kyle sitting next to me when I write, because I want to keep his dream alive.

MO: You've referred to Afghanistan as a toxic relationship. It is one that you want to let go of but you can't.

BS: You know, my own blood is in the sand there. My friends have died there in the mountains. It's not healthy to dwell on that stuff, but you just can't seem to let go of that environment. And then when the fall of Kabul happened, that was packaging it up in a neat little bow and being like, 'here's all your traumas just straight to you, gift-wrapped.'

MO: One of the things you get into in the book is the experience back at home. You talk about your mental health being impacted — that you have a purpose and a direction in the military — but then when you come home, you sort of lose your purpose. You write about being suicidal. You say that “war is a dopamine slot machine.”

BS: It's always hard for me to admit because I always feel torn in two ways. First, I'm like, I love war. War is awesome. It's because it gave me such a profound sense of meaning and purpose. Then at the same time, I'm like, I hate war. I will do anything to ensure that we don't go to war. I don't want my kids to go to war. I don't want anybody to go to war. I want peace. Peace is better. And so I always feel split because I'm part pacifist, and then part combat-hungry warrior.

So after the war, you try to go to a job. And everybody in the job is trying to trample each other on the way to the top because they want that next promotion. Their bosses are letting them catch the proverbial shrapnel in the trenches to make more money. Whereas in the military, we're taught one: leaders eat last. So all your youngest enlisted, eat first. Second, everybody's willing to take a bullet for you. But, then you come home to an environment where nobody has your back and your leaders are just kind of tools. It's extremely alienating.

MO: Just over 7,000 servicemen and women died in Iraq and Afghanistan over the last 20 years. Four times that number — more than 30,000 — have committed suicide in the last 20 years. What was your process for healing?

BS: I met these two civilians in Austin, Texas who were okay with what I was telling them about my time at war. No judgment.

People are like 'we got to help veterans, and they just won't talk to me.' And, I'm like, 'Well, how are you approaching them?' And they're like, 'Well, I can see that they're struggling, and I want them to tell me what's wrong.'

Now, imagine you walked up to a rape victim, and say, 'you appear to be struggling, tell me about the worst moments of your life!' That is effectively what we have done to our veteran community, and it's messed up. It's really messed up. And that's why they shut it down. It's just inappropriate.

Suffering is a universal language that we all speak and while our experiences may be different, ultimately, they're the same. And that can combine understanding and empathy. So, for me, as they began to open up, I became comfortable sharing. And then from there, they just really encouraged me to just focus in on growth. They helped me explore my purpose and meaning once more, as opposed to running from it.

Faith played a very vital part in that journey. It was like, 'what does it look like if there is a higher power that cares for humanity?'

MO: How can civilians support you? As Americans who want to support those who have put on the uniform for this country, what can we do?

BS: I just want to bridge the civilian-soldier gap. That's why I wrote the book the way that I did. I wanted civilians to understand what happened during the last 20 years to our veterans. Make veteran friends. It begins by opening up yourself. It takes time to build friendships. And in society, we want things microwave-ready these days. But things take time. My whole thing is: become friends with a veteran, and really begin to open up too. Then as you become friends, you're gonna get to hear more of their stories.

Ask questions. Don't ask the dumb questions where it's like, "Did you kill anybody?" Again, you're going straight to the point of trauma. Instead, ask them like, "Hey, I've seen the metals on your wall. How did you get those?" Or, "Hey, I saw that, you know, you're in the military. What do you do?"

Start with simple questions. And then get to know them. They'll begin to open up. As you take on that collective responsibility and hear their story and understand them, I think you're really just going to start helping and healing them.

MO: Talk to me about the best resources, especially if you're concerned, want to be able to get a veteran help, or you have somebody coming home.

BS: I'm always gonna say this: You're their first line of defense. If they came to you, it's because they trust you. But, if you're looking at specifically organizations and entities that are doing some really cool stuff, here are a few:

• Heroes and Horses 

• Warriors Heart

• Heart Support 

• Stop Soldier Suicide

•  The Mission Continues

• Team Rubicon

• Veteran TV

NOTE: Sledge writes about veterans issues on his blog, and also speaks on a number of topics, including mental health and the transition back to civilian life. He recently co-founded a company to help veterans tell their stories.